ever since i made the decision to keep kosher (could it really have been more than a year ago?), something has happened.
i am super conscious and mindful about what i eat. i guess this was the goal, but i didn't expect it to be so pervasive. i don't ever eat anything without REALLY thinking about it. interestingly enough, i suspect that people living in a community where kosher options are continuously available perhaps don't think about their food quite as much as i do...
anyway, i am hoping that my constant attention to my meals and food will encourage me to begin thinking about food in terms of sustenance and pleasure, and stop thinking about it in terms of boredom or scheduled routine.
I know that you have been saddled with a tremendous responsibility in raising my brother's son at this stage of your life. While I am totally sympathetic to your situation, I must say that I have been dealing with some new (and in many ways not-so-new) feelings that I wanted to bring to your attention.
To be as frank as possible, I really feel completely unimportant to you. When I call you, I often hear disappointment in your voice, or worse, annoyance, and this is if you are paying enough attention to my phone call for me to hear any tone in your voice. I wish I could say that this made me want to call you less, but of course, I am a glutton for being treated poorly, and I only find myself looking for more opportunities during each day to call you with news or information that I hope will actually encourage you to look forward to my phone calls. You seem seriously uninterested in seeing me, and your partner actually seems interested in NOT seeing me. I wonder if you are ever NOT annoyed with me, or even if you like me at all. I came to the house for just a few minutes on my way home the other day because I was depressed (as I told you), and you barely stopped to speak to me, let alone either hug or kiss me.
Those are the new things. The things that are not so new include my resentment. I love my nephew so very much, but I am jealous that yet again, I am receiving less attention than I wish I was because of screwup on my brother's part. Just because you have a new baby in your life doesn't mean that I shouldn't matter to you anymore. I may be 26 years old, but I still need love and approval from my mother (especially since approval was something that came up short in my growing up and late teens/early twenties), and this has left me feeling rejected and lonely, so much so that it has been infiltrating my sleep and dreams lately.
Please find it in your heart to refocus and try to see to my needs a little bit, because I really do believe that it is a mother's job to care for her daughter for her entire life. I have spent my entire life trying to be good enough for you, and will likely spend the rest of it doing the same. I love you, and I only want to be loved by you. I wish we could talk about it.
i am feeling mildly depressed tonight, and for no good reason. maybe it is because i fear that my entire identity is being taken over by judaism, and that all that i have to offer people for inspiration is judaism. maybe i am feeling depressed because my birthday is coming, and i am so paralyzed with fear that it will be a giant let-down. maybe because work is starting back up and i am overwhelmed with all that i must do and juggle, and my coping mechanism is depression. maybe because i am overall dissatisfied with many things about myself. maybe i am feeling depressed because i have spoken to people from my past who only remind me of what an interesting person i used to be.
I am really so shocked. As summer approaches, my heart is getting heavy and I really miss Camp Harlam. It was such a mess there, and I was so miserable, and yet I miss the kids, I miss my (very few) friends, I miss the songs and the services, I miss it!
This sucks. If I didn't have to work for BBYO over the summer (clearly, this is a real job, and therefore, is year-round) I think I would have even been stupid enough to apply to be the Education Director.
I was in the car today, on the way to the beach, when Ben Folds Five's "Song for the Dumped" came on, and it felt like a thousand stones crushing my chest, like I could not breathe. This was the first time I have ever missed you, and it nearly stopped me dead in my tracks. Despite how poorly you treated me the entirety of our friendship, I could not help myself from missing you so much that it brought tears to my eyes.
I hope you are doing so well, and that you have found your happiness in life.
i think that being in constant religious crisis might be a sign of constant religious growth. i am hoping so.
this is somthing i find really frustrating about working at bbyo: i am always the most observant person in the room. my reasons for disliking this situation are multiple. *everyone turns to me for the questions. "can we do this? is this allowed?" and while i know it is a mitzvah in itself to be able to answer these questions for people, it makes me feel like a spectacle. *not only does everyone turn to me for the questions, but often, i am resented for being the voice of observance, however lax. even though my fellow staff does (and should!) support me, the kids can still tell that it is coming from me. *the worst part about always being the most observant person in the room is that i am never challenged. there is no standard that my community sets that always encourages me to reach further in my adherance to mitzvot. i have nothing to reach for, and i feel like i have come to an impasse because of this. I am having a hard time finding a community here that can provide for my needs the way that my community in virginia did.
i wrestle with post-undergraduate options. i know, without a doubt, that i want to pursue higher education, but i don't really know how. the people who know me the most, who have been the most formative in my life, suggest a master's in jewish education. a lovely idea, and ultimately useful, but i would have to leave bbyo and move somewhere. i'm not sure i'm ready to do that. there's also the constant possibility (threat?) of rabbinical school. for this, i would need to be prepared to commit to one movement, for at least the 5 year duration of school. how frightening.
ultimately, i am doing ok, and trying to do better. i wish people would not be so judgmental about the way that other people observe-- it really upsets me. everyone does things in their own way, and i just cannot stand to hear people criticize others' attempts at a more spiritual life.
i do know, in the midst of all of this inner turmoil, that i am making a difference in the judaic lives of more than 250 teenagers. i am providing them a space to grow and learn and experience judaism in a way that is comfortable and accessible and inspiring for them. the work that i do is important. this, in itself, is spiritual growth.
i saw a photo of jordan today, and i cried. i can't believe someone i once loved could have come to be such a poisonous person, and could have become so unraveled himself over time.
it feels somehow appropriate to recall tender moments in life, as i find that the older i get the less angst i feel. like a scrapbook, we can file these moments, file these people, and open them back up later to see what life used to be like.
two weeks ago i gave my very first d'var torah during a service that my kids led, which was amazing. yesterday, i spoke at our israel-focused erev shabbat service, and had the chance to say this. i'm basically obsessed with it, because i feel it to be so honest, so true. many people complemented me on it, which makes me feel like they were complementing my soul. ( enjoy. )
I guess everyone uses MySpace now. Well, MySpace is stupid. Screw your extended network. Come back to LJ.
I just got back from staffing the Seaboard Region USY Spring Convention. Maybe you know what that is, maybe not. All I can say is that these kids have completely changed the course of my life. One of my own kids from my chapter was elected regional president this weekend. He has worked so unbelievably hard to become the kind of person worthy of leading his region, and my pride is completely overflowing. I cried my eyes out all weekend long, nearly any time I looked at my kids, because I can't stand to leave them. I am leaving them because they have taught me everything about myself that I ever wanted to know-- that I will work in Jewish Youth Leadership for probably the rest of my life, because I have never experienced anything more fulfilling. I have to leave them to do that full-time somewhere else. I am so attached to my kids, and it is breaking my heart into lots of little pieces to not be with them next year.
I have job stuff on the horizon, and I will update accordingly. For now, I am getting well after four days of no sleep and little water, and losing my voice, etc. I've never been so happy to feel so lousy.
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jezebelstar's journal
nostalgic